Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
