How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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