how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
