Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
