I'm going to jail i love you
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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