Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
