I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I need a burrito and a hug.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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