My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
it glows. i had to have it.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
