I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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