We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
