I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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