So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
