My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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