Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
