Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
