Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The police scanner is talking about you again....
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
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