I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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