I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
