I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
