genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
