saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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