Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
