Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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