I wish I could teleport
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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