good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
