dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
