It's Friday. Sex?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
