You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
