im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
