I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
