he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
