I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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