I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
