Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
