i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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