For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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