Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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