i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Randomize
