allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize