rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
