forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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