Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
