Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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