i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
