i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
