i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
