Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
