I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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