He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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