We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
