I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
