Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
