Is it normal to miss your booty call?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
and she was petting her beer can
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Randomize
