fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
