I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
