He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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