im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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