put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
